October-The Call and The Meeting

Tuesday, October 13th 2009 marked 20months of us waiting to be chosen by a birthmom. That morning I woke up and prayed that on this day of waiting that God would bring a birthmom to New Life...and I wrote a 20month blog http://achosentreasure.blogspot.com/2009/10/20-months20-things.html .

I got ready for the day and then went and met Jason for lunch at Bistro D'Asia. We were sitting there and I said "do you know what today is?" He just looked at me with fear because I'm pretty sure he thought he had forgotten our anniversary or my birthday (just joking...he wouldn't ever)! I finally told him..."today marks 2o months of waiting for our child and I am SO ready for the Lord to bring that precious baby home." We talked about it for a little bit and then we knew we needed to change the subject or I would turn into a crying mess right there at the restaurant.

We both headed to work at the church...I needed to do some stuff in my office and Jason and the other element staffers needed to make video...so he headed upstairs to the element room. I went to my office and started checking voice mails. The first message was from our agency...."Hey Lindsey, this is Sara, please call me...." and I hung up the phone and didn't listen to the rest of the message. I called her back and she asked how I was doing...and then she said "Lindsey, y'all have been chosen by a birthmom." My was response was "are you kidding." She wasn't kidding. She began to tell me about our birthmom and why she was deciding to place her child for adoption...our birthmom is amazing and is such a brave woman. I was shaking as she was giving me all the details...trying to soak it all in. It all became real when she told me the due date...Dec 14th...wow that was so close :) We set up a time for us to come to Houston to meet our birthmom...and then just like that...we finally had a CALL that we had been waiting for. My life changed that day!

I called Jason and told him to come downstairs because I had something very important that I needed to tell him...we me in the Connection Room (at church) and I could tell he was a little nervous about what I was about to tell him. I felt like I wanted to cry and jump up and down...it was amazing!!! I told him all the details of my phone call with Sara and that we had been chosen by a birthmom...we both just looked at each other in udder disbelief...and then it totally sunk in...we knew we needed to guard our hearts because there was still a possibility that our birthmom could change her mind (we had already experienced that in May). We decided that we would only tell our close friends and family and that we wanted to walk carefully through these next several months (Oct-Dec).

I went and told Amy to come outside...I just looked at her and she GUESSED...she said did you get the call....YES!!! We jumped up and down, hugged, and cried...and both knew that we needed to be in massive prayer for our little bundle of love to come home...a failed adoption just wasn't an option for our hearts :) Then I tracked down my mom at work...told her to guess...she asked if I was pregnant and I said NO...we got chosen by a birthmom!!! Then I called Mel and told her...she was at Babies R Us in New Mexico...she wanted to scream and yell but she was in public...I still would've loved to see her do the Praise Ya Jesus dance in public :) Then the phone calls started to our dearest friends who we knew would PRAY PRAY PRAY...what an amazing support group God has provided us with.

Then on October 20th we had a prayer time in our nursery with some of our prayer warriors...such a sweet time! We prayed for our baby and for our birthmom...we cried out on their behalf. There were many tears that day...and we pleaded with God that this adoption journey would end with a baby in our arms...please God...please let this story have a happy ending.

On October 26th, we drove to Houston to meet our birthmom...it was such a surreal feeling. We had already done this part before and we had walked a road that we didn't want to walk. We had grown to love our birthmom in May and when that didn't work out we were devastated. The whole time to Houston this time I was praying "God if this isn't suppose to happen then please don't even let her show up...I would rather not even meet her if she isn't really going to place her child with us." My heart was so guarded but yet it was beating so fast.

When we walked in to New Life...I saw her...sitting on the famous New Life couch...there she was...SHE SHOWED UP!!! I wanted to sob but all I could get out was pure excitement...I hugged her and wanted her to feel how much we adored her and loved her...such a powerful moment. We talked for a little bit, got to know each other...and then she told us she was having a little girl...one of the best moments in my life...we were so excited! I asked her if she had picked out a name and she said she did like a name but wanted us to pick what we wanted to name her. I asked her if I could share with her what we would like to name her and she said yes...I told her that we wanted to name her Natalie Grace...she teared up...(I thought oh no, she hates the name) and then she said...That's the name I would have picked if I was going to name her!!! OH MY GOODNESS...tears started flowing!!! Our Natalie Grace was growing in this precious woman's tummy...and she had been chosen to be a Gerdes!!! What a surreal feeling. **Just a side note, in May when we were waiting to see if we were getting a boy or girl I was thinking about changing the girls name we had picked out...which was Natalie...because Natalie means "born at Christmas" and since we were having a May baby I didn't want to name her that...I know...I'm strange!!! So when we found out we were having a girl this time around and that she would be BORN AT CHRISTMAS TIME...well Natalie was just the perfect name for our bundle of love!!!

October was full of emotions...but November and December get even better!!! Check back soon to find out the rest of the details :)

***Also...when you found out we had gotten chosen...what was your response?? I would love to have my prayer warriors views on all the details that happened in October!

SEEING....THEIR FAITH

This morning our Pastor spoke on the paralyzed man in Luke 5 and challenged us to think about the areas in our life that we are paralyzed.

I know my area! Some days I feel like I have FULL range of motion and other days I feel PARALYZED...adoption will challenge every bone, fiber, and muscle you have...and your SOUL!

The verse that really spoke to me was Luke 5:20- "Seeing their faith, Jesus said to the man, "Young man, your sins are forgiven." ***It wasn't the FAITH of the man...it was the FAITH of the men carrying the man.*** My heart was FULL...cause I HAVE friends and family who are carrying me...cause sometimes this journey is paralyzing.

I need THEIR FAITH...cause sometimes I don't have any. I need them to go before the Lord and BEG and plead for our child...cause sometimes I don't have the energy or words. I have a sweet friend who her and her husband have committed to fast and pray specifically for our baby and birthmom/birth family every Tuesday...because of THEIR FAITH.

And I hope because of MY FAITH...that the Lord will do amazing miracles in the lives of my friends...my prayer is that marriages will be saved, a job opportunity will come available, family members will be restored, and that the Lord would grant a dear friend a Godly husband...because of MY FAITH.

All the more reason we as Christ Followers must have a group of people who believe in us, challenge us, love us unconditionally, and have FAITH that God will DO what HE says!!!

***Its Adoption Awareness Month...will you please HAVE FAITH that the Lord will bring our child HOME...and if you know someone else that is adopting...encourage them...share YOUR FAITH with them...they might feel paralyzed...they might need to be carried!

Favor

In April/May when we thought we were going to be bringing home a sweet baby...my prayer was constantly...SHOW FAVOR ON US LORD. We had been waiting for SO SO long and I just knew that it was FINALLY our time. But then the roller coaster ride began...when our birthmom cut off contact with our agency the fear set in.

I continued to plead with the Lord...PLEASE GOD...show us FAVOR!!! Then I got a little angry when that FAVOR wasn't shown. Why did he think we were strong enough to actually go through that type of pain? Where was HE? Why did he even allow us to be chosen if his FAVOR wasn't going to be shown. Oh I was frustrated, sad and I felt abandoned. HE IS GOD...why didn't he SHOW FAVOR to us??

Okay well fast forward 5 months...and my view has drastically changed on the FAVOR of the LORD. The word FAVOR means: friendly regard shown toward another especially by a superior, to the benefit of, in support of, to one's advantage.

Just because we are Christ Followers doesn't mean that "good" things are always going to happen to us...the GREATEST thing is that we have salvation...that SHOULD be enough. But how come we feel like the Lord isn't granting us his FAVOR when it doesn't go according to our PLAN. We need to change our view...FAVOR sometimes means that the Lord has to withhold something from us in order to protect us or to provide for us differently than what we had expected. God's favor isn't always wrapped up in a perfect little gift box with a beautiful ribbon on top...some times God's favor is shown as we lay on living room floor, pound our fist and PLEAD with him to WORK THIS SITUATION OUT...and then he doesn't work it out the way WE WANT...but instead he creates something different for us...and in his PERFECT time he reveals it to us.

That's favor!!! FAVOR is the fact that the battle has already been won...technically he doesn't OWE us anything. FAVOR is the fact that he died on a cross...beaten and bruised...ALL FOR ME!!! HELLO LINDSEY GERDES...FAVOR has already been shown!!! Now...I do believe God wants to bless us...he wants to reveal himself to us...but salvation has to be ENOUGH for us...and sometimes...we have to be perfectly okay with the FAVOR that is shown...even if its not what we had originally wanted...he KNOWS what we need...and he LOVES us dearly!

FAVOR people...FAVOR!!!!

TWO QUESTIONS???

Question #1

Why are you and Jason adopting even though you can have children biologically?

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. James 1:27

We feel God specifically called our family to take care of orphans...but not just by donating money to a wonderful organization...but by adopting children into our family. As a Christ Follower...I simply feel like for OUR FAMILY (praying for many more families to feel the same way) that adoption is an act of obedience. Jason and I both feel strongly that if we were to say NO to adopting then we would be being disobedient to what the Lord has firmly and lovingly asked us to do. When the Lord burdens your heart for a certain situation or person...my prayer is that you will act on it. Ive NEVER regretted acting upon what the Lord has asked me to do. Adoption is from the Lord and its a gift that he gives his people...its a gift that I want to be a part of.

Question #2

Why are y'all adopting a biracial or African American child? Why not a Caucasian child?

(I'm trying to answer this question in a loving way)

Okay...so get this...we KNOW we are WHITE...and we KNOW its "different" for us to want a child of another race. When the Lord asked us to adopt...not once did we feel called to adopt a child that was white...WHITE CHILDREN need to be adopted...but it was a FIRM calling on our lives to adopt a child of another race. Cant really explain it...except that we feel CALLED/ APPOINTED/ BURDENED/ and IN LOVE with what the Lord has asked to do and we are going to stick with it and trust that his ways are perfect! And seriously...lets not get caught up on the COLOR of SKIN...lets instead get caught up on the fact that this CHILD needs a MOMMY AND DADDY!!! We are very aware that our baby wont LOOK like a Gerdes...I'm very aware that people will stare...but I'm also VERY aware of the way God looks at his children...and how he created us in HIS LIKENESS. Here is my PLEA...please don't make this an issue...PLEASE except it...our child deserves to be treated as a child of GOD...so when you see me at the grocery store, at church, or at school (or any where else)...just smile and PRAISE the LORD for what he has done! Be in awe! Jump up and down! Do the Praise YA Jesus Dance! Buy me cup of coffee and and gift card or diapers...hehehe!!! Just enjoy the blessing!

****Plus...brown babies are pretty stinkin cute :)

20 Months...20 Things

1. Adoption is the most beautiful journey I have ever been on.
2. My feelings towards birthmom's have completely changed...they are precious women who deserve love and encouragement. That are choosing life for their child.
3. Not everyone will understand WHY you are adopting...not everyone will be supportive...try to explain but if they don't get it...move on!
4. Sometimes it takes longer for family members to come around in being supportive...but after 20 months of waiting..I'm pretty sure everyone is supportive and just VERY VERY READY!
5. Your husband wont ALWAYS understand your motherly feelings...try to be calm and explain why you feel the way you feel :)
6. "Its all in God's timing" is the phrase people use when they have nothing else to say...I would rather them say..."I know this is hard and I want you to know I am praying." Its not to say that "Its all in God's timing" isn't true...it IS!!! But that cant be our standard answer for everything difficult.
7. Blesses my heart when people call and pray with me over the phone...you KNOW who you are!
8. When my element girls call or text me...that makes my heart leap for joy cause they are getting to learn about adoption and the impact it has...and they are only in High School. My prayer is that they will ALL adopt one day!
9. Ive never desired something so deeply.
10. Baby stores are hard to go into.
11. Race shouldn't be an issue!
12. I have met people along this journey who are priceless to me.
13. My relationship with the Lord is the only way I make it daily.
14. Every day I have to pursue GOD first...its not easy but SO rewarding.
15. Failed adoptions HURT.
16. New Life Pregnancy Center...understands adoptive families and birthmoms...they LOVE both!
17. Waiting for so long has made me LOVE this child more than you could POSSIBLY imagine.
18. This child is OUR CHILD...just because we are adopting doesn't mean that he/she is not our CHILD...adoption is just another way to add to your family.
19. The day we have our child in our arms...everything will be worth it.
20. Adoption is the toughest journey I have ever been on.

Happy 20 MONTHS...whew!

BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

Every day is a BATTLE for me...I'm so flawed...I'm a SINNER...I'm not perfect...I mess up...I get frustrated with my hubby, my child, my friends, our ministry...situations bug me...the desire to BE IN CONTROL is a constant feeling...my emotions sometimes are so IRRATIONAL...my heart sometimes burst with FEAR...I don't always trust God...I don't always RUN straight to his word...I don't always pray and lay my burdens before him...sometimes I carry all my ISSUES on my own...

...I'm a beautiful DISASTER...

And if it wasn't for JESUS dying on the cross and FORGIVING my mess...then I would be stuck...and not be able to live a life full of JOY and PASSION...I'm reminded daily how imperfect I am...and I am reminded daily how DEEPLY in LOVE he is with me! I don't want to be the same...I want daily to look MORE and MORE like my CREATOR. I want to deal with people like he would and LOVE them through tough times. I want to be a PASSIONATE wife and mother. I desire for the MAKER OF HEAVEN to continue to tweak my soul so that I may reflect his BEAUTY.

I want to be DIFFERENT...set apart...I want to live in my FREEDOM...I want to saturate my life with his TRUTH...

I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD...because it is FITTING!!!!

19 months!!!

Cant even believe that we have been waiting 19 months on baby to come home. Seems crazy...hello babies need homes...and HELLO...we have a home :)

I'm honestly okay...my heart was filled to the brim today with our element students so I didn't even think about it being our 19 month of waiting day...until I got home and was sitting in quiet.

Transformation has taken place in my heart...adoption has become so precious to me...birthmom's have become precious to me! Birthmoms deserve so much love and support...I want to share something that happened to me the other day.

I was getting a much needed pedicure and I was talking with the nail tech about Jackson...she asked me if I had any other children. I said yes...but we we were just waiting to be matched with a birthmom. She looked at me and said..."oh y'all are adopting...don't you think most birthmoms are hookers?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME...seriously woman...you have no idea what you just said...and who you just said it to...I was so MAD!!! But I calmly said...no that's a myth...birthmoms are brave and courageous...they are giving LIFE!!! I wanted to cry...but I just sat there and begged the Lord to change people's views on birthmoms. I sat there broken hearted for our precious birthmom whom I will always defend...no matter the situation...she is giving us a child...a life...and I will wait another 19 months if I need to just to receive the blessing that I know the Lord has created for our family. God doesn't make mistakes!!

19 months seems ridiculous to have to wait for a child...but we are NOT waiting on just any child...we are waiting on the child that God formed and created for us...and his ways are perfect.

So happy...life changing 19 months to the Gerdes Family :)

My Girls

1st Wednesday Worship service was amazing tonight!!! God showed up and broke my heart! Bil was talking about how some of us are waiting and desiring "something"...he paused for a second and then he said "some of you desire a baby"...oooo goodness...this waiting momma LOST IT!!! Right there on the third row....broken heart...crying out for the Lord to come and bring us this desire. But the best part is what happened next...I looked down the row and my high school girls were sobbing too...hurting right along with me.

When you adopt you never know who is going to support you or think you are crazy. The Lord has blessed me with a group of High School girls whose hearts are so broken for our family and our child. Some of them have been on this journey with me for 4 years and others have just joined in the last few months...but none the less...they are WALKING and RUNNING this journey with me. Their encouragement means the WORLD to me...I feel blessed beyond measures to get to pour into their lives...and they get it...they pour back into mine.

Lexy, Linds, Mykayla, Priscilla, Presley, Jayma and Christy....thanks for hurting with me and praying that our child will come soon! I'm so thankful that you love our family and our baby. Thanks for the sweet words of encouragement (they always come and the perfect time). When the adoption failed in May...well...thanks for being devastated with me. Thanks for not forgetting that we are adopting...yall ask how things are going all the time :) Thanks for being excited...and Mykayla...thanks for being available to help me with HAIR :)...this white momma will need some help...so I am glad I have you to help me!!! Girls...I love you! More than I could EVER EVER express. I'm proud of each of you. You bless me...I cant wait to call each of you to let you know we have been chosen by a birthmom!!! Wont that be a great day...we will scream,jump up and down...and do spirit sprinkles. LOVE YOU EACH as if you were my own!!!!

***And Mel and Ames...Im so glad I get to wait on the Lord with you both!!! It makes waiting just a little sweeter!

How I feel!

This summer has been a summer of so many emotions. I have enjoyed every bit of time spent with family and friends. I have the most loving, encouraging support group that any one could ask for. My circle of friends...get me...they understand me...they let me be ME. These last 4 months have been HARD...I have changed as a person (some good, some bad)...and my "peeps" have helped me function along the way. Sometimes its just a text that says "Im praying for your birthmom right now," or an unexpected baby gift, or a hug (a squeeze that says...I dont understand but I know God does), or a friend who will let you cry, scream, and watch you throw a fit...or friends who will just sit with you in an empty nursery and dream about the day that it will be filled with a sweet bundle of love! This summer my friends have basically carried me...my family even though 8 hours away have loved me from a far and prayed some of the sweetest prayers.

J and I have had to focus on US and not on the hurt...we are growing together in ways that I am so thankful for. We have enjoyed every minute together...he is the BEST husband and my BEST FRIEND. We have prayed prayers this summer that scare us...but we know God has laid some big things on our hearts...adoption has become so precious to us...we feel like it will be a part of our legacy in some way.

Jackson has been lovable and a hand full...it changes about every 5 minutes. He started Kindergarten and he is growing into a tall handsome little boy. He is smart and tricky and kissing those cute cheeks once he is asleep is one of those bonuses of being his mommy!

I tell you all this to say...my life is wonderful. I have people who love me, I have a Savior who has saved me and reminds me of that salvation EVERY DAY, and I have a family that is priceless! But whew...adoption hurts. I have prayed that the Lord would either take this burden of adoption away or that he would let it burn even deeper in my heart. MY HEART IS BURNING. Jesus is enough for me...but HE is the one that put this in our hearts...so we will keep pursuing HIM as we pursue the calling that he has put on our family.

***Praying for news...and that he would deliver us a special blessing!

My Heros!

Have you ever met a family and walked away and thought..."WOW...I want to be just like them??"

Well I have known the Jackson Family for a little over 5 years and every time I talk with any of them...I just wish they would adopt me too.

They have taken in over 13 children over the years, officially adopted 2, working on adopting three others (who are living with them), have one biological child...and started doing this after only being married for one year...at the age of 22.

I LOVE THIS FAMILY...I love Billy and Clydene (the parents) and I love their kids!!! All the kids know that Mrs Lindsey wants to steal them...but they LOVE where they are...they LOVE their Family. They are crowed in to a 3 bedroom house and I hear NO complaining. They are content with where they are!!!

Last week we found out that Extreme Makeover Home Edition is coming to South Texas. We emailed everyone and their dog for a nomination letter (the deadline was Aug 7th)...now we are just praying that the Lord would show favor and that the Jackson's would get picked.

Although for the most part the Jackson's Home is FULL of joy, several weeks ago they experienced a HUGE loss when their 18month old drowned in a pool...complete devastation. They are still mourning the lost of Baby Howlis but even still Clydene told me the other day "Lindsey I am not stopping." They want to take in any child that needs a home...and I believe they will. But they need MORE space!!!!

Will you please pray for the Jackson Family...pray that the Lord would grant them their request with this new home. And if for some reason he doesn't...well the people in South Texas...we need to step up to the plate and we need to make something happen for this family. This is our chance as a community to really help the hurting and those who pour their lives into children who need a mommy and daddy!

I LOVE THIS FAMILY....my heart is overjoyed when I get to hang with them. They probably think I am crazy...this white girl that always wants to hug and take the kids!!! But my family genuinely LOVES every one of the Jackson's!!! They are FUN, loving, joyful and they LOVE Jesus!!! They are just easy to be around...they are a blessing to know.

Hebrews 11:1

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

Hello Blog...Nothing New

My BFF told me I needed to update my blog...my response was...there isn't anything new to update!!!!

Our summer has been FULL of being out of town...a really awesome vacation...and an unbelievable Student Camp (Core Week)!!!

Have I ever told you how much I LOVE our student ministry...and I LOVE OUR STUDENTS!!!! They are so full of energy and love for Jesus...they make me want to love Jesus more!!!

So now we are trying to get into a routine...Jacks started Kindergarten last week (he is going to a year round school)...and I am done organizing Core Week so now I have plenty of time to think about our babies (or baby)!!! And all I do is think, think, cry, think, pray, cry, and decorate the nursery.

We are going to paint in a couple of weeks...Amy and Mel (I haven't asked Mel yet so hopefully she will read this and agree to painting)...and then I need to finish the curtains and then we will be pretty much done!

I haven't told many people but we think we are going to change our girls name (if we get a girl)...I just cant seem to fall in love with the name Natalie...I don't think I am ready to share yet but I'm pretty sure there will be a change.

As of now there is NO new news...seriously...whats taking so long!

Please just keep doing some massive praying. God has promised us a child through adoption...I'm ready for him to deliver!!!

To Our Love....

Dear Little One,

You are precious to us. Your daddy and I cant stop thinking, praying, and talking about you. I can't believe that 16 months ago today we went on the "official" waiting list...but the summer of 2005 is when your daddy and I started praying about adoption and how it would look like in our family.

You have been desired for such a long time...our hearts ache to see your face and kiss those sweet little hands.

One of my biggest prayers is that you would know we are your forever family and that we love you with a very powerful love. Also, I pray for your salvation...I want you to experience Jesus' love early on in your life.

I know that they day we see you will be worth the wait. The day you become a Gerdes will be a blessing...so sweet child...I hope you come soon. Our prayer is that your precious birthmom would go to New Life...(today)...we are ready to have you here with us.

We just want you to know...we love you dearly. So does your big brother...he cant wait for you to make your arrival.

Please, some day soon!

I love you baby,
Mommy

Seriously...

...SERIOUSLY...

Do we have to keep waiting? I mean for goodness sakes...what are you trying to teach me,

what are you trying to illuminate in my life...WHAT???

We have trusted you, we have cried out to you, we have obeyed you, we have served you,

we have sacrificed for you....

We have laid down at your feet and begged...we've stood tall and praised...

we have humbled ourselves...

We have called out to you in our distress and we have shouted from the roof tops about your GLORY...we have told people about you, we have shared your truth with others...

We have mourned, grieved, hurt, and been in pain...we have laughed, been overwhelmed, excited, danced the Praise Ya Jesus Dance...

We have learned, we have grown, we have leaned....

We have been grateful and we have been sad...we have been appreciative...

But seriously Lord....just show me...I want ALL OF YOU. NOTHING BUT YOU...

So I will continue to trust, learn, shout for joy, feel pain, laugh, beg, cry, praise, wait, sacrifice, lay at your feet, obey and serve...and if all it gets me is MORE OF YOU...then, well...

THIS JOURNEY WILL BE SERIOUSLY WORTH IT!!!!

Im Okay...

...I think.

Today I said about a million times to people....Yes, I am doing okay.

And I really have felt OKAY...since Saturday.

Sunday morning was hard...I had to pull myself out of bed but I made it to church. Kika sang an amazing song and I just cried my eyes out in element...but then I was OKAY.

Monday was fabulous...we went sailing...and I was with friends who love me...and I was OKAY.

Tuesday I went to work...needed to face my real life...and I was so surprise that when people asked me how I was...well I didnt cry...and I was OKAY!!!!

And then today, Wednesday...I was at work again...with people who love me...and I was OKAY.

But right now...Im sad! I want our child to be home soon. I got home from work and started catching up on some people's emails and blogs...so many of our friends are traveling to get their babies, getting referrals, or PREGNANT. Im SO EXCITED for them...I mean so pumped. But I want to be in their shoes (maybe not the pregnant friends...I love you...but I have been there and done that). I want that phone call...the REAL CALL...the one where it will lead to some babies in my arms...or baby :)

But still...as I write this and Jacks is banging away on his drums...You know what...Im okay.

Im still sad...but I am okay. I seriously believe that God has this all under control...thats not just something I am telling others about this process...I BELIEVE IT IN MY CORE. Im going to be okay...infact...I am going to be WONDERFUL.

Our nursery will have a baby in it soon...and our car seat will be used...and all the diapers will eventually be thrown away...GOD IS IN CONTROL...and yes...I will be okay!

Please keep praying...

Two Prayers!

Promise

I was standing at my kitchen sink tonight doing a weeks worth of dishes and I felt a peace that I have been begging for. I felt the Lord saying..."what I have planned for your family through adoption will be the most amazing thing you have ever experienced." I kind of paused for a second to soak up that promise. It felt so good to let that sink in to my heart and soul!!

***Lord, we are ready for you to show us our blessing. We are ready to see our blessing, to love our blessing...to care and raise our blessing. But until you reveal that blessing to us...we will seek you...we will be devoted to you! You knew that this hard headed girl needed to go through some valleys...you knew I needed to learn to trust you. I wouldn't trade every tear Ive cried because through the pain I have grown closer to my Creator. I love you precious Jesus.

Birthmom

Okay so one might think that we are mad that our birthmom changed her mind. I can honestly say...we are NOT mad. We are hurt by the loss of what we thought would happen. But in NO way are we mad at her. We don't feel mislead or rejected...yes we still hurt...but we were put in her path at the perfect time. We prayed over her and that sweet baby...countless hours of prayers. We were able to provide household items for her...we were able to show her the love of Christ! Do I wish we had that sweet baby in our arms...YES...but am I trusting that God knows what we need and can handle...YES! I am still grieving...but I seriously LOVE "J". Am I confused on why she changed her mind...YES...did I think it was a perfect adoption story...YES...is adoption messy...YES!!! I want her to be a successful woman and I want her to raise her children in a Godly home...we will be praying for her...she is a fighter...and a survivor! I know her story...lets just say...I wouldn't have made it through what she has! We are concerned for her, we wish she would have called New Life back...but we are not mad. How much closer to our baby is it going to get me if I harbor bitterness towards this woman? None!

***Lord you know all the details for "J"s life...protect her, love her, direct her. Give her strength and wisdom. Continue to provide for her. I pray she will keep her eyes only on you. Thank you for using her to teach me...and thank you for bringing her into our lives so we could minister to her. I wouldn't change it for the world! Even though the pain I feel is real...I know its nothing compared to the pain she feels...comfort her and encourage her!

Today....

...I sang in the car. That might seem normal to you...but for the past week I have been walking around numb and in a fog...not singing!

But today...I picked Jacks up early from school cause he has a horrible cough.

Went and got us a movie...stopped by Sonic for their happy hour...and then while driving back home...I began to sing. Honestly I was shocked!

I sing daily...to myself...to anyone who is around...over the phone to Amy Payne while she is in the counting room at church...I sing in a opera voice, a silly voice, I sing when I am just talking in a non singing type of conversation. Basically...I SING!!!!

I haven't been able to sing the last week...my soul has hurt so deeply.


And today the song that just randomly came out of my mouth was a song I remember singing while growing up at Macedonia Baptist Church in Longview.

"God will make a way, Where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way, He will make a way."

I know He is making a way.

We are still hurting and we still wish that we had baby Nate in our arms...I wish the nursery wasn't empty...and I wish we didn't have to take the infant car seat out of the car for now...I wish I could go into the nursery without feeling pain all over. BUT...I know HIS way is perfect...and there is NO other way that I want...BUT HIS!!!

Please Please Please....continue to lift up our family. Lift up Jackson...he was prepared to be a big brother and even though he doesn't seem too terribly upset...there have been a couple of comments he has made that make us know that this hurts him too.

Please pray for "J"...even though she isn't going to place her child with us...we still want the very best for her. She will be a woman that I will always pray for and...love. She chose life for this baby even though abortion was offered to her many times. And pray for that sweet baby, we had the privilege of seeing his face in a ultrasound picture...he was beautiful...pray that Jesus will capture his heart at an early age!

God will make a way...even when there seems to be no way!

The Post...I never wanted to write!

Well...I have been absent from our blog for the last 3 weeks. And I was for sure when I returned I would have pictures of our NEW BABY...but instead I return with a heavy heart or wait...a broken heart.

I wrote my last post on here on April 27th...the very next day we got a phone call from New Life letting us know that we had been chosen by a birthmom. She was due June 1st!

We traveled to Houston to meet her and it was one of the most amazing days of our lives. We instantly LOVED our birthmom...she gave us pictures of her family, we took pictures with her, had an amazing conversation with her...and she gave us her sonogram pictures of our new LOVE...Nathan Jae Gerdes. Our hearts were overflowing with joy and excitement.

The following week (last week) she was dilated to a 3 and still solid with her decision to place her child with us. It felt so good to know that Nate would be home with us soon. We got the nursery ready, ordered our baby sling, registered at Target, ordered his Life Book, made a special gift basket to take with us to the hospital once "J" delivered, installed the car seat, packed Nate's bag and got his outfits ready...my friends even began planning the shower. We were in full swing and prepared to bring this little bundle of love home.

Unfortunately last Wednesday, May 13th is the last time our agency has been able to contact our birthmom.

They tried calling all day Friday...called on Monday...and now we are preparing our hearts for the answer we didn't want...but more than likely our birthmom has changed her mind. Which means...Nathan wont be coming home soon!

We are torn, broken, frustrated, hurt...and mad! God had lined so many details up...there were so many things about this birthmom that felt right. The timing was perfect. Everything was working out perfectly.

I don't even know how to put into words how we feel...except we feel empty...almost like we lost someone through death. I don't know what a miscarriage feels like...but I can only imagine it feels a little bit like what I am feeling.

We know that God is in control...we don't understand all of the details...but we know HIM and are TRUSTING him during this time of hurt. We know there will be a day when we hold our love in our arms and it will be the RIGHT child for us. He/She will fit perfectly and it will be an ordained masterpiece! We are ready for that day...more NOW...then ever before. We are ready to bring home the child God has created for us.

We are going to be okay...but this is tough! The one thing I know for sure is this...God is STILL GOD...he LOVES us...his plan is perfect...his timing is perfect...and he loves our child more than we ever could. We are clinging to his promises right now more than ever before.

Our friends...YOU...have been amazing! You have called at the right time, you have helped us with Jackson, you have loved us during this JOYFUL time and HURTFUL time! Thanks for letting us be real and letting us hurt...and thanks for hurting with us. I wanted nothing more than to show off Nate to you and see your face the first time you laid eyes on him. I know you all have prayed countless hours over this child. KEEP PRAYING...there will be a day when we are sitting watching all of our kids play...and we will see the miracle right in the mix!!

God is my treasure, my heart rest only in him...he is my desire...his word IS TRUE...we are trusting with all we have that his promise for us will be revealed soon!

We are hopeful that another birthmom will pick us soon...will you pray for that to happen??
Will you PLEASE go to the Father on our behalf and ask him for a miracle? Ask him to come to our rescue during this time of hurt...ask him to rescue our child.

Precious Love

Sweet Love,
I was just sitting here reading over all my posts about YOU. I cant wait to hold you in my arms one day and read each and every post to you...child you have been prayed for and longed for.

You have taught me more about myself then I ever could have imagined. I am still learning...I'm not the perfect mommy...but I know one thing...YOU NEVER HAVE TO WONDER IF WE LOVE YOU!!! You were meant for our family.

I love Jesus more....and that sweet love...is priceless!!! This journey has lead me to PURSUE him like crazy and he is REFINING me like crazy!!! I'm ready for you to come home. Your daddy is ready to see your face...he told me tonight that he just cant wait to kiss you!

I love you sweet, precious, chosen child! You have been created with a purpose and one day we will all understand why the wait has been so long. You are our chosen treasure.

I love you baby,
Mommy

Like I said....my Friends are amazing!!!!

After I wrote my last post, I txted a couple of my peeps to let them know that I had written about them on my blog!! Well my BFF (can you tell I work in student ministry) txted me back and said "thanks for the shout out on your blog...I wrote a prayer for you this morning on a paver for the prayer garden." ***My BFF also works in student ministry....can you tell...we try to use the "cool" lingo...but I can honestly say...I don't feel any cooler :)

Our church is making a a prayer garden, it looks amazing! They have asked everyone in our church to write prayers on the back of the pavers and then they will permanently lay down all the pavers in the prayer garden!!! How cool!

As soon as she txted me that, I told her I wanted a picture. So when she got back from her BIRTHDAY LUNCH we walked over to the front of the building so I could take a picture.

It says "Gerdes adoption....that their baby comes soon...this week"

I also wanted to post a picture of our changing table that Mimi bought us....and also the gifts that Mel and Jess gave me!!!!

The journey is just easier when you have people to DO LIFE WITH!!! And when you have a cute 5 year old who reminds you how much work children take :)

Friends on the ROAD TRIP!

Okay so if you are gonna adopt....and get on this adoption ROAD TRIP...then you MUST have some supportive friends who DON'T think you are crazy. Well, actually they might THINK you are crazy but they just LOVE you anyways. That's a good friend!

A ROAD TRIP just isn't fun by your self. You need YOUR people to be there...in the VAN...on the journey with you. And wow, I have some of the MOST amazing friends. I am going to try to recap on a couple of them and allow you to see what they have done for me. If you know someone who is adopting then I will give you some tangible things to do for your ROAD TRIP CAPTAIN.

My Husband: prays over me almost nightly for our adoption. His prayers are so sweet and tender! His heart BREAKS over our baby and birthmom and his prayers totally illuminate his heart.

Amy Payne: Oh my goodness....she loves our baby! She has loved our baby since the day I told her we were adopting. She keeps me calm but then at the same time her desire for this precious love to come home soon is priceless. She has helped me in the nursery and now she is just waiting to finish the nursery!!!

Mel Mac: Her txts messages along this road trip are wonderful. Just the other day she txted me to let me know her heart was HEAVY for us and our baby. And she gave me a gift the other day...just in case we got the call. It was diapers, wipes, socks, onesies, and pacifiers. Also, her husband prayed the most amazing prayer a couple of weeks ago at band practice. These two simply help this ROAD TRIP be a little more FUN!

BAF Staff girls and Pastors Wives: These people have been such an encouragement. Most of these women I have been friends with for the past 6 years and they LOVE our family and we LOVE their families. Last week they all prayed over me at our Women in Ministry breakfast and that was such a sweet time. Each prayer they prayed was priceless and just a little more fuel to keep me going. Our Pastors Wives @ BAF are like sisters to me. God has used them in ways that blow my socks off. Anytime I am down or discouraged out of the blue one of them call or txt me an amazing verse or just some words of encouragement. They have stood by me during this time and given me strength when I just wanted to quit. Jess, Ames, Terri, Daph, Les, Lace and April....thank you!!! Thank you for being YOU and loving ME! This ROAD TRIP has been sweeter since you are all traveling with me!

And my mom and dad: Priceless people! If you don't know my parents then you must! They are the most amazing people and the most amazing grandparents. This sweet love has NO IDEA what they are being placed in...they can call weekly and let them know what they want from Target and GG is gonna find a way to get to Corpus!!!!! And my dad well he is a sucker for his grandbabies!!! Just wait....I cant wait to see these two with Nathan and/or Natalie!

Okay so by now you realize that we are all taking this ROAD TRIP in a very LARGE VAN....but I gotta have my peeps in order to survive! Not to mention the wonderful people that I have met along this journey....Molly, Heather, Cindy and Sarah help me understand adoption on the other end of the wait.

Thank you for being on this Road Trip with our family!!!! We hope we have provided you with entertainment over these last 14 months....we hope you haven't been bored!

Jesus PLEASE...

...bring a birthmom to New Life! My soul is so weary and I am so ready to love on the child you have chosen for us. We are waiting Lord...waiting ON YOU!!!

Jason's View

Well hello, this is Jason Gerdes, the proud husband of Lindsey, father of Jackson, and hopeful future father of Nathan/Natalie. Lindsey asked me to write about the adoption to get a different perspective since so many of these blogs are written from the mother's perspective. I told her that us guys are not as expressive so we are behind the scenes loving all of you
wonderful mothers out there. OK, there is my opening paragraph so let's get into my thoughts.

1. The biggest surprise I have had in this process is learning how to re-love my wife. My relationship with Lindsey has always been a very fruitful one but it is always been based on me caring for her needs and making sure that she has what she needs to follow Christ and be happy. But this process of adoption is not about me and my abilities, it is about God and what He is doing so I have had to assume a different role. Now I cannot "FIX" this for Lindsey so I feel helpless. I actually have to cry with Lindsey, mourn, laugh, walk around anxiously, pray with earnest, and WAIT. This is hard for us men to do but it is good.

2. I have learned that God is God and I am not. This goes along with the first one and me learning my place in the world and in this family. I am not the HEAD of this family, JESUS IS. I am called to submit to Christ and follow Him and then to lead my family to Him. This has been a frustrating but very rewarding journey of discovery. I am not responsible for making this happen, He is. It is not on me to line up the details, it is on HIM. My role is to be so close to Him that I can sense what He is doing and then lead my family in that direction. This is great news for me because I tend to make a lousy God.

3. Adoption is something that we ALL should be involved in. I used to think that adoption was something that people did when they could not have kids "of their OWN". But what I have realized is that none of my kids are MY OWN, they are all God's and are a gift from him. And if I really believe that then I will do whatever I can to make sure that ALL of God's children are taken care of not just "Mine". I have told Linds on several occasions that this is only the beginning of our life with adoption, we will be a part of this for the rest of our life in some form, whether that is leading an orphanage, leading a church that has an orphanage, turning our house into one or what I am not sure. All I know is that this is what ALL Christians should be doing since this is what Christ did for us.

This has been an amazing/very hard process but I would not change it to this point. Now having said that God please bring your baby to us SOON.

A New Puppy

Our family was out running errands on Saturday and there was a family selling Boxer Puppies in the Chick Fil A parking lot. WE LOVE BOXERS...we had the sweetest Boxer named Dazie. Sweet Dazie was mine and Jason's first baby. She was PRECIOUS! When Jackson was 1 Dazie got ran over, right in front of us and we lost our sweet girl.

So anytime we see Boxers we MISS Dazie and consider getting another one. But whew...Boxers are A LOT OF WORK and I just don't think we have the time or space to put into one of those crazy, energized dogs.

But after seeing those pups Jacks BEGGED all day for us to get a Boxer. I finally told him that if we get another puppy then we will adopt a puppy. And his answer was "UHHHH Mom adoption takes TOOOO LONG."

Oh Jacks, I know baby! I agree...adoption does take TOOO LONG!!!! But sweet baby...it will be worth it.

14 months

Who would have thought that we would wait for a baby for 14months! Not me! I thought 6-9months at the most...but we are into our 14month. And we are still waiting.

And I am okay with that. Although sometimes I don't "hear" what I want to "hear" or I don't "feel" what I want to "feel". I know HE is STILL teaching and still touching my heart for adoption.

Jason told me today...God is getting ready to give us a HUGE blessing! And I totally agree. Maybe even two babies!!! How great would that be!

So yes...14 months...and still counting! But 14 months and still learning...is priceless. And one day when I hold that sweet baby it will be WORTH IT.

By the way...check back soon because Jason is going to do a special post, from the dad's point of view on adoption. Get the word out to your blogging adoption buddies!

Making A Way

Every holiday or special day since we started our adoption has been bitter sweet.

The first "special day" I remember, after we had completed our homestudy and we were "officially" done with the paper work, was Mother's Day. I remember sitting in our church service that Sunday thinking "what an amazing Mother's Day present, to get chosen by a birthmom." Didnt happen :(

I remember on Father's Day, thinking the same for Jason..."what an amazing Father's Day present." Didnt happen :(

Then birthdays in August and September...."oh what an amazing gift." Didnt happen :(

November....Adoption Month..."what an amazing gift." Didnt happen :(

Thanksgiving and Christmas...."please Lord give us the most amazing gift and let us get chosen by a birthmom so we can bring our baby home." Didnt happen :(

Mine and Jason's 7yr Anniversary...."Please Jesus....this would be the best anniversary present ever!" Didnt happen :(

February...."marks one year of our homestudy being complete, what an amazing gift...Please Lord." Didnt happen :(

April..."Lord, what an amazing Easter Present...if we were chosen by a birthmom."

And right here at my kitchen table as I begged that of Jesus...he reminded me that HE IS ENOUGH....HE is my Savior...HE ROSE AGAIN...AND He is my PORTION!!!

His timing is perfect and planned out! He rose 3 days after he hung on a cross for ME...I think he has this covered...and he WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!!!!!!

I love you Jesus. I am confused and frustrated but I have chosen JOY in this time of suffering.
For I know what I am going through here on this earth is nothing compared to what you did for me on the cross. You oh Lord, will make a way...when there seems to be no way.

Protecting His Mom

Look at how I found Jackson last night....

Jason is out of town, California again, so its just me and Jacks!!! So Jacks is sleeping with his light saber to protect his mom!!!

I am so crazy about this little boy.

Even though he has been in all day preK this year, I am already dreading kindergarten. I'm so sad that he is actually starting REAL school. I told my BFF today that it even made me want to homeschool him just so he wouldn't leave....she totally looked at me like I was crazy. She knows me way to well and knows my child way to well.

Speaking of school...I gotta go pick up my little bundle of love!!!

If We got the call today...

...then I would first ask Sara or Cindy if they were serious...if they were serious then I would feel my heart jumping out of my chest!!!

I would then call my mom and dad and share the news, then I would call the list of faithful friends and family...Ive already told them that they will NOT find out about us being chosen by a birth mom via email, txt, or facebook!

Then depending upon how far a long our birth mom is and/or if we know the sex of the baby...I would start getting prepared to bring our little bundle of love HOME!!!

I would feel motivated to get the nursery done and I would buy a cute, adorable baby sling (in fact I might do that before we even get the call).

I would honestly be a basket case...but a JOYFUL excited basket case!!! I might even wear a t-shirt around town that says...I am pregnant and due in _____ months! What if it only was two months until our birth mom was due and I am walking around town with a t-shirt that says "I am pregnant and due in 2 months." People would think I was the smallest pregnant lady ever...I was FAT with Jacks so I deserve to feel skinny and pregnant!

I would go get Jackson out of school early to tell him the news! And I would make sure that we video taped it! I want to capture his response.

I would cry, freak out in a good way, shout it from the roof tops, and do my "Praise Ya Jesus Dance." I just cant even explain to you the JOY!!!

**Lord you know we are willing and ready! Could you PLEASE make a miracle happen SOON!!! You oh Lord, will get ALL the GLORY!!!!

A Joyful Sufferer

If you don't live in Corpus Christi and/or you missed our Bay Area Fellowship 1st Wednesday Worship service...well then...you MISSED out on powerful worship and amazing teaching!!!

Last night my soul was so carried away by how WONDERFUL my heavenly Father is and yet how much I still have to learn about his suffering for me on the cross.

My sweet husband brought the message last night and the communion...and I did my baptist head nod and said Amen under my breath the entire time he spoke. I know others learned and were challenged...but honestly...I think our Creator gave Jason those words for his wife...for me!!! God knew I needed to hear MY MAN teach me these promises...and if we were at home and Jason would have given me this message, I probably would have discounted the heaviness of it. And that message last night was HEAVY!!!

I'm gonna set the stage:

We had just finished singing "Lead Me to the Cross" by Hillsong (our fabulous Lauren sang it like an angel).

Jason walked on to stage and he challenged us to decide if we REALLY believe in the song we had just sung. LEAD ME TO THE CROSS...what happened on that cross...our precious Savior adopted us RIGHT THERE with blood shed...he died for our sins...our failures, our short comings, our selfish desires...and it happened on the CROSS!!! A cross that we were just begging to be led to.

Then he went on to point out the suffering of the cross and yet the JOY that the Lover of Our Souls still had for us. He suffered for us but was joyful through the suffering. When Jason began making these statements...that's when my heart began to break and be crushed. I DON'T SUFFER WITH JOY...I SUFFER WITH COMPLAINTS AND AN UGLY ATTITUDE!!!!!! This walk with Christ isn't suppose to be easy, there is NO where in scripture where it says "follow me to the cross, live your life for me and you will lead an easy life."

Our family has been suffering for the last several years (might not seem a big deal to others but feels huge to us), I cant explain the pain we feel not having our child HERE. Suffering is simply not FUN! And I have to admit I haven't had much joy when it comes to suffering.

But there can be JOY in suffering, there can be comfort and healing. And this morning during my quiet time the Lord illuminated even more details to me about being a JOYFUL sufferer.

After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied. Isaiah 53:11
For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Cor. 1:5

Our suffering will eventually lead us to satisfaction and comfort...but we have to suffer NOW to get to that point...and we can let JOY overflow from our hearts during the process. If our true and ultimate desire is to be like Christ...then we have to be led to the cross...in joy! If while we are on our journey of pursuing Christ and we become discouraged and live without joy then that is an invitation for the enemy to come in and steal our progress we are making.

Do not yield to discouragement no matter how severely stressed or surrounded by problems you may be. The very instant you wholeheartedly turn away from every symptom of discouragement and lack of trust, the blessed Holy Spirit will reawaken your faith and breathe God's devine strength into your soul. (taken from Streams in the Dessert, April 2nd)

All this to say...God is entrusting our family with this journey of adoption...and I haven't had the JOY that I should've had. My attitude sometimes probably hasn't attracted others to adopt...who wants to travel this road of adoption and be complaining the whole time!!! YUCK!!!

This adoption has taught me MORE then I could have EVER EVER EVER imagined. And now it is teaching me to have JOY even though we don't have our baby in our arms. But we do have God's promise that he WILL bless us with a child through adoption. That is MY PROMISE from him! And I am going to cling to that promise with JOY...even on the days that I feel a deep suffering!!!!

From this point on, I am determined......I will be a JOYFUL Sufferer!
(I might need reminding at times!!!!)

Our Jacks!!!

This blog has mainly been about our adoption! Well...we also have another Chosen Treasure in our family...our 5 year old Jackson! The most precious little 5 year old!!!!

I wanted to share some crazy things he has said lately.....

• We are trying to get him to stop sucking his thumb....not fun! He has a blankie...and if he has his blankie then he will suck his thumb. Jason hid the blankie and then went to California for a conference. Jackson and I were laying in bed one night and he said..."Here's the deal, if dad doesn't give me my blankie back he will have a choice, either I will call the police and he will go to jail, or he can go to time out, or he will get a spanking." I was laughing so hard!!!! But he was SO serious!!!!!

• The other day we were driving home from church and I asked him if he would snuggle with me while we watched the movie Bolt. In a very serious voice he said...."mom, not today, I will snuggle with you tomorrow when I get home from school." This might not be funny to some...but my child is a PLANNER. Ive joked that he needs a Franklin Covey planner...he gets this planning quality from his wonderful mother :) But I have ruined him....he now has to schedule me in!!!! UH!!!!!!

• Monday I was getting him ready for school. We were running late cause we all slept in :) I was telling him over and over again...come on Jacks, HURRY up!!! Hurry!!!! He said "Mom, don't panic...I will be ready!" Its the way he says these things...its SO funny. Jason and I just look at each other and try to hold in the laughter!

We love love love this little boy! He is the apple of our eye and he keeps us rolling at all times!

Sweet Love

Oh Precious Child,
My heart is longing to see your face. I cant even begin to explain how this journey has changed me, I wouldn't trade it for the world. But my heart is at the point where it needs a miracle! I am praying today that your precious birth mom would go to New Life, meet with the sweet ladies there, and if adoption is her option...that she would see our profile and desire to place you in our home. Oh sweet child, we are ready for you.

I cant believe we have been waiting this long to see your face...you must be a blessing, a blessing I could have never imagined. I'm ready to see your toes and fingers. I'm ready to see your precious eyes and little nose. I'm ready to show you off to all the wonderful people who have been praying diligently for you...for so long! There is a saying...It takes a village to raise a child...well God has blessed us with the most amazing "village." They are all so ready to love on you and show you that you BELONG here!!! I cant wait to see their faces when they see the child they have been praying for...what a glorious day that will be.

I feel like I have prayed EVERY prayers imaginable for you...health, quick bonding, your birth mom and all the emotions she will feel, that you will feel loved, for Jackson to be an amazing big brother....oh how the list goes on and on!

Here lately...our prayer has been...bring our child home quickly, Lord. We want you to become a Gerdes and know the power of Christ's Love! Adoption SAVED the World....its the most powerful act of Love that any man has ever shown. We feel such an honor and privilege to make you our own through adoption. You are OUR child, you will be loved as if I gave birth to you. You don't EVER have to wonder if we are passionate about you...we are! You don't ever have to wonder if we will provide for you...we will! You don't ever have to wonder if we love you...we do! FOREVER!!!!

You were created with a purpose! And you were created for our family. What an amazing gift!

We will always be thankful for your precious birth mom...she chose life! We will love her and pray for her daily. She is a gift to our family. My prayer is that we will have an amazing relationship with her.

Sweet love, we are ready to see you! Please come home soon! My heart is heavy today...I'm ready to meet you! You are loved so much by your forever family!

Mommy

A Cat on the Prowl....

...yep thats what I feel like! I feel like a momma cat....just waiting to give birth. We had a cat growing up, her name was Callie. Sweet cat...but she got pregnant ALL THE TIME!!!! As soon as she would pop out one litter she was already prego with another one. A Skanky cat :)

Okay so I am not calling myself a skanky cat....but Callie would roam around the house the week prior to her giving birth...and she just couldn't get settled. She would lay down for a bit and then walk around, scratch stuff, bathe herself...she just COULDN'T BE STILL. And btw that cat ALWAYS had her kittens in MY CLOSET.

***I promise this post has a point!

I can NOT get settled! The moment I lay down I think of one more thing to add to my "before we get the call" list. I'm telling you...I think I might be going looney!!!!

And its the little things...that don't really matter that have me all in a tizzy! I'm driving myself crazy...and my poor hubby!

Tonight I had a freak out because our shrubs in front of our house are TOO tall...who cares...well obviously I did...UH!!!!

I know life doesn't STOP once we get a baby...but I want to have things all in order (as much as I can).

I'm just saying...if your husband isn't busy this weekend...well send him over to my house to help my husband with the honey do list. This list is getting longer and longer...cause I am a CAT ON THE PROWL!!!

***Maybe this post doesnt have a point!!! But I just had to get it off my chest!!!!

Found

FOUND by Hillsong

Verse 1:Amazing love,
now what else shall I need
Your name brings life,
it's more than the air I breathe

Verse 2:My world has changed,
when Your life You gave for me
My purpose found
and all that You want for me

PreChorus 1:And I've found myself in You, Lord
And I've found myself in You

PreChorus 2:And I've found myself in You, Jesus
And I've found myself in You, Lord

Chorus:
So take me to a place
where I can see You face to face
and all I wanna do, all I wanna do
is worship You
So take me to a place
where I can see You face to face
and all I wanna do, all I wanna do
is worship You

****Lord help me to remember that I am only to be found in you! Not found in fear or worry, not found in my own agenda, not found in my selfish desires! But only found IN YOU. I am searching and waiting for you...not simply for what you can give me. I dont want to miss what you are trying to teach me during this journey. I want to grasp every detail of your plan for my life and I want to learn to live only found in you! I love you Jesus! I want to see your face...take me to a place to WORSHIP YOU...I want to be found in you!

Save the Humans...save our Child

Our pastor started a new series called Save the Humans...powerful message!!!

I sat there in a complete hormonal mess as he talked about how during childbirth if the Hebrew woman was giving birth to a boy then the midwives were to kill the child.

15 The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, 16 "When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live." 17 The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do. Ex 1:15-17

I wanted to stand up and say....that's the way I feel about our child!!! His life MUST be spared...his life MUST count for something!

My heart is so burdened for the salvation of our child. The salvation from beginning to end...first off be saved from death...our child could easily have been aborted but obviously our birthmom is choosing life.

And then God saving this child and placing him/her in our home. Please hear me on this...I still love our birthmom...but again...she realizes that its in the best interest of this baby for her to choose adoption!

And then the salvation of his heart. I cant wait until the day that this precious child accepts Jesus as his/her Lord and Savior.

I want our child to be rescued SOON!!! I want him/her home with us!

I want to love on our birthmom...I'm telling you...the love I have for her is absolutely the most amazing thing. I never thought I would be so passionate about a woman giving birth...but she is giving birth to our child. Forever I will be grateful. We HAVE to change our minds on birthmoms...they are WOMEN who need a SAVIOR and need us as adoptive mothers to love on them. Now I know not every situation is the same...sometimes the birthmom/family doesn't want to have anything do with the adoptive family...this is where we PRAY like never before. Don't we want our child's heritage to be healthy and Christ centered! These birthmoms are precious....I'm telling you...I cant wait to meet her!

Save the Humans...save our Child. Please join with me in prayer today! I am crying out to our Father that he will bring a birthmom to NEW LIFE (our agency), that she will look at our profile and SOMETHING will capture her heart about our family. The enemy is alive and he wants NOTHING more for this child to NOT come into this world. No body messes with a Gerdes Baby!!!!! This child has been CHOSEN...chosen to be apart of this world, chosen to serve and love!!! Please pray today for a miracle to take place.

Awe Struck Wonder

I am filled with Awe Struck Wonder at the Mention of Your Name! I love you Jesus! I love that you have CALLED me to this place. I am more in love with you TODAY then when I started this journey!

(part of Revelation Song, by Gateway Worship)
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come, yeah
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And – I - will - adore You! Yeah!
Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mysteryYeah...

I need HELP nesting!!!

If my husband reads this post...which I know he will...but he never leaves a comment (babe leave a comment)...he will wonder WHY the title is I NEED HELP NESTING. He will laugh out loud when he sees that...cause he will think to himself...she doesn't need ANY help nesting cause she is DRIVING ME CRAZY nesting.



But I need your help...all TWO of my blog readers :) Molly, you have already helped so much...but give me some more tips if you have them.



I want to be PROACTIVE during this waiting time, I don't have control of my due date but I can DO alot until my DATE arrives. With Jackson...well I was HUGE and in pain so I didn't do much nesting...but with this baby...well I might turn into a Mommy Bird I am nesting SO MUCH :)



So for those of you out there reading this...what should I be doing right now. One question I have is for decorating the nursery...right now its decorated in neutral colors, thank you Karen for letting me borrow all your bedding. Cause if its a boy I want to use all of Jackson's stuff...thank you Nanny. And if its a girl well hello...PINK! So I guess its not really a question but what happens if we get a call and ITS a girl and the birthmom just had the baby...okay well...I WILL HAVE TO HAVE MY FRIENDS come over RIGHT AWAY and decorate the nursery. ( I know this isn't a HUGE deal but it is something I think about so cut me some slack. I know to the "normal/ non adopting/ non pregnant woman" that these thoughts that I am having will seem ludicrous on EVERY level....sorry Charlie!)

****Okay so I am finishing this post on Monday Night...started it on Monday Morning.
I went to Target and bought diapers...I felt so mommy like buying diapers! Its been 2 1/2 years since I bought diapers...and 5 years since I bought NEWBORN diapers. I've decided that every time I go to the grocery store I am going to by diapers.

Alright...give me some more pointers...what else should I be doing??

Oh yeah, I cleaned the pantry last Thursday...and I want to clean the base boards asap! I also am in the process of shampooing our carpets and our living room furniture. Whew!

All I want...

...Is for my cell phone to ring and to hear Sara or Cindy say..."Lindsey, y'all have been chosen by a birthmom."

I mean really...that doesn't seem so hard, RIGHT. Well for the last year I have wanted that EVERYDAY. And yet...it hasn't happen.

For those of you who have WAITED for your sweet baby...some days are wonderful and you totally "get" the wait...and some days you want to throw something. Its weird...One day I am fine, the next day I want to cry, then the next day I am totally fine, then the next day I want to THROW something.

And it seems right now EVERYONE is pregnant...well I am too but I just don't have a DUE DATE!!! And I don't have morning sickness....so HA!!! Just joking...I do have heart sickness! Everyday I long to hold that sweet baby...I mean my heart aches for that precious child. So I am learning everyday I ache to LEAN on HIM...believe me I am LEARNING and LEANING!!!

Today, Valentine's Day, well the best gift ever could have been a sweet little baby in my arms...instead...I nested like crazy! It was fun! Jackson and Jason are getting a little tired of my projects...but like I said...we don't have a due date, so I gotta be ready EVERYDAY!!!!

I still need to get the baby stuff down out of the attic...stroller, pack-n-play, car seat, swing, bouncer....I need to wash it all and have it READY for the day we get the CALL.

Tonight we went to our neighbors house for a Couples Valentine Party...they said I MUST put a sign out in the front yard once we get the CALL...UH YEAH...Heck yes I will! Every one will know!!!

All I want...is to have this adoption have some light shine on it! I am ready!!!

Today is different

Well I just told Jason...UH I don't think I can do this anymore. He said "Linds I thought you said God was teaching you so much." Well HE is...but I am tired today and very hormonal...and I want some light to shine on our journey!

And now I am going to take a hot bath and try to relax and LEAN on my Creator. Cause I probably wont take many hot baths once baby arrives...so for now I will focus on the PROS of not having an infant...BTW...there aren't many...cause I don't care if my life gets interrupted by this bundle of love!

***I do realize this post is random...sorry!

Toy vs Treasure

"Mom can I have a toy at Target."

"No, Jackson, you may not."

"Uh Mom, please can I have a toy at Target."

"Jackson, you just had your birthday party...you got plenty of toys...you aren't going to get a toy at Target."

"Mom...I really want a toy at Target...(begins throwing massive fit)"

"Jackson, I am not going to tell you again...you WILL NOT get a toy at Target. If you ask me again your DS will be taken away. My answer is no."

This is a common occurrence in my life, especially on the days we go to Target.

Our student ministry staff, leaders and students are reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Amazing book...the first chapter is on Prayer...and grasping the fact that we get to go before the MOST HIGH GOD for a conversation which is called prayer!

Yesterday, our element staff sat down to write questions for our small groups on Sunday. Something hit me like a TON OF BRICKS...oh how my prayer life MUST change.

I want to talk specifically about adoption and how I pray when it comes to this issue. God must be SO annoyed with me...cause I am like my 5 year old...begging for a toy at Target.

First thing out of my mouth when I go to him in prayer is "Lord, can you please bring our baby home to us...Please...Please...Please." Oh my word...I am annoyed at myself just typing that. It makes my skin crawl when Jackson wont let up about the toy from Target. He acts like if he doesn't get it his life will be OVER!!!! And then the word please...that child can say that word faster and more times then I could ever imagine...I almost hate that word.

But holy cow, that's the way I am with God. As I write this my heart is so broken...I have been going to my FATHER for over a year now...just BEGGING for him to bring us a birthmom and a baby...all the while forgetting to go to him with complete and total adoration and praise. I have the privilege to be in the presence of my creator and yet all I do is ask him to create MORE things. WHY??? Why have I been a believer for so long and I am just now getting this concept. I think one of the reasons is I have NEVER wanted something so badly, adoption has brought me to a place in my walk with the Lord that I NEVER thought possible.

I cant even imagine what my response would be like to Jackson if he said...
"Mom could I have a toy today when we go to Target."

"No, Jackson you may not have a toy today."

"Okay Mom, I know you have a reason for not getting me a toy today. I trust that you know better than I do. I love you so much and I am so thankful that I get to call you Mommy. You have provided for me, cared for me, loved me...I am so thankful that I get to hang out with you and see your face. I don't need a toy today. The day you choose to bless me with a toy will be a great day but...you are more then enough for me!"

I would pass out if he said this to me! My first reaction is that I want to bless my child for understanding that my LOVE for him is MORE then enough...my LOVE for him is better then any material item I could give him.

Oh my gosh...praise the Lord...that is the way he feels about us. He is MORE than enough...yes when he chooses to give us blessings, we can be thankful, shout for joy, do our crazy I love Jesus dance...but HE is our blessing and HE is more than enough. God is calling me to realize that. He can't bless me when I come to him with my annoying...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...throwing a fit type of prayer. I need to be in massive TIME out for my attitude towards praying to my Father...how disrespectful I have been.

***Lord, when I come before you, I pray I will be amazed by JUST YOU. Not what you can give me but WHO YOU ARE. I know you want to bless us but I know before any blessings I receive I must always realize that YOU ARE my blessing! I love you my precious Father...I am awe struck by your simplicity and your complexity. You are my Treasure and I want to be FACE TO FACE with you!

I quit...just for 5 minutes

Yesterday I was driving around town...killing time before I picked our puppy up from the Pooch-Pad...love that place :)

I had a brief 5 minutes where I just QUIT...quit the whole waiting time...quit praying...quit being patient...quit waiting...QUIT!!! If Jackson hadn't of been in the car I might have yelled out..."I QUIT...and I MEAN IT...I QUIT." But since I already freak my child out by my randomness I thought I would keep my thoughts and QUITTING to myself.

It was if the moment I QUIT...Jesus said...well I don't so it looks like you're in luck! He covered me in HIS promises of how HE NEVER QUITS...Love that guy :)

I think its okay to want to quit sometimes because it reminds us of how much we need Jesus...NEED HIM to keep us going. And then sometimes I think he is begging us to QUIT so he can finally take over!

I must confess...I am a CONTROL FREAK...I think he is telling me QUIT controlling but KEEP following and trusting!

So today I am going to FOLLOW...even if I feel like quitting!

Refine Me as I Pursue You...

This is my prayer! That the Lord of all creation would REFINE me as I PURSUE Him. I don't want to be the same as when we started this journey. I want my life, my purpose, my desires, my values...to be more clear and completely connected with Jesus. I want him to mold me into the woman that he has created me to be. I want to love deeper and live more passionately.

Adoption does crazy things to your soul. I didn't think it would break and tear down as much as it has. Some of things I have had to say YES to or NO to...have been painful...but I am simply trusting that God has HIS best interest in mind.

REFINE ME AS I PURSUE YOU!!!!

I love you Jesus!

Tired!

I am tired! Tired of the wait! Tired of not knowing if we will have a little girl or boy...Im NESTING and I NEED TO DECORATE...but I gotta wait...and I am tired!

Sorry I just gotta be honest! Its so hard waiting...I mean I see that precious baby in my thoughts and I am so ready for it to be a reality! I want to touch those cute cheeks and kiss those sweet toes! Im never gonna stop kissing this child...even when they are 30 I might still be kissing toes (I will be a weird mom)!!!

The nesting has taken over my family and I think my sweet hubby is getting tired of me nesting! He has moved EVERY piece of furniture this week...I gotta get the house READY!!!! He is such a trooper.

Life is so good the way it is right now...but we all feel like something is MISSING!!! We are tired...we are ready!!!!

Lord your timing is perfect! Even though I am TIRED I know you will continue to give me the strength to WAIT on you...Im waiting...come to our rescue!

Full Circle Moment

This morning I got up and was determined I would NOT leave my house until I had read my bible and studied God's Word. So I sat down and read through my scriptures for the day and also my devotional...this might seem as if its a chore for me to read my bible...its not a chore...but I have to be really intentional about it or it wont happen.

Gods word spoke so clearly and sweetly to my soul...all day my heart has been overwhelmed with his timing of scripture. The scripture was James 1:1-27 (go check it out) .

There were two parts that jumped right off the pages...the first was James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father." And the second was James 1:27 "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I just love both of these verses and both have been a cornerstone to me getting through this adoption. I praised the Lord for his perfect timing of reminding me of what HIS word PROMISES.

So tonight I was cleaning out Jackson's school folder and I got his "Class Gram" letting me know what he would be learning this week at school. And HOLY COW...his memory verse is James 1:17...YES LORD...EVERY GOOD AND PERFECT GIFT DOES COME FROM YOU!!!!!

So I freaked out...told Jason all about the scriptures from earlier in the day...cried and used a kitchen towel to wipe my eyes...and snot...and just REJOICED that God loves me so much! He is using my child's school to confirm what I am studying at home and I praise HIM FOR THAT!

I want Jackson to know that he is a gift from the Lord and that baby Natalie or Nathan will be a gift from the Lord. I am so thrilled to have our family grow through adoption. I love my babies and I am so ready to see their sweet face...I will be taking sign ups for everyone in America to come by and get a glance.

Praise you Lord for your WORD...it DOES NOT return VOID...but only FILLS our SOUL to WORSHIP YOU...Oh how I love you...Christ in me, Christ in me, the HOPE of Glory...you are my EVERYTHING!!!!