Im Okay...

...I think.

Today I said about a million times to people....Yes, I am doing okay.

And I really have felt OKAY...since Saturday.

Sunday morning was hard...I had to pull myself out of bed but I made it to church. Kika sang an amazing song and I just cried my eyes out in element...but then I was OKAY.

Monday was fabulous...we went sailing...and I was with friends who love me...and I was OKAY.

Tuesday I went to work...needed to face my real life...and I was so surprise that when people asked me how I was...well I didnt cry...and I was OKAY!!!!

And then today, Wednesday...I was at work again...with people who love me...and I was OKAY.

But right now...Im sad! I want our child to be home soon. I got home from work and started catching up on some people's emails and blogs...so many of our friends are traveling to get their babies, getting referrals, or PREGNANT. Im SO EXCITED for them...I mean so pumped. But I want to be in their shoes (maybe not the pregnant friends...I love you...but I have been there and done that). I want that phone call...the REAL CALL...the one where it will lead to some babies in my arms...or baby :)

But still...as I write this and Jacks is banging away on his drums...You know what...Im okay.

Im still sad...but I am okay. I seriously believe that God has this all under control...thats not just something I am telling others about this process...I BELIEVE IT IN MY CORE. Im going to be okay...infact...I am going to be WONDERFUL.

Our nursery will have a baby in it soon...and our car seat will be used...and all the diapers will eventually be thrown away...GOD IS IN CONTROL...and yes...I will be okay!

Please keep praying...

Two Prayers!

Promise

I was standing at my kitchen sink tonight doing a weeks worth of dishes and I felt a peace that I have been begging for. I felt the Lord saying..."what I have planned for your family through adoption will be the most amazing thing you have ever experienced." I kind of paused for a second to soak up that promise. It felt so good to let that sink in to my heart and soul!!

***Lord, we are ready for you to show us our blessing. We are ready to see our blessing, to love our blessing...to care and raise our blessing. But until you reveal that blessing to us...we will seek you...we will be devoted to you! You knew that this hard headed girl needed to go through some valleys...you knew I needed to learn to trust you. I wouldn't trade every tear Ive cried because through the pain I have grown closer to my Creator. I love you precious Jesus.

Birthmom

Okay so one might think that we are mad that our birthmom changed her mind. I can honestly say...we are NOT mad. We are hurt by the loss of what we thought would happen. But in NO way are we mad at her. We don't feel mislead or rejected...yes we still hurt...but we were put in her path at the perfect time. We prayed over her and that sweet baby...countless hours of prayers. We were able to provide household items for her...we were able to show her the love of Christ! Do I wish we had that sweet baby in our arms...YES...but am I trusting that God knows what we need and can handle...YES! I am still grieving...but I seriously LOVE "J". Am I confused on why she changed her mind...YES...did I think it was a perfect adoption story...YES...is adoption messy...YES!!! I want her to be a successful woman and I want her to raise her children in a Godly home...we will be praying for her...she is a fighter...and a survivor! I know her story...lets just say...I wouldn't have made it through what she has! We are concerned for her, we wish she would have called New Life back...but we are not mad. How much closer to our baby is it going to get me if I harbor bitterness towards this woman? None!

***Lord you know all the details for "J"s life...protect her, love her, direct her. Give her strength and wisdom. Continue to provide for her. I pray she will keep her eyes only on you. Thank you for using her to teach me...and thank you for bringing her into our lives so we could minister to her. I wouldn't change it for the world! Even though the pain I feel is real...I know its nothing compared to the pain she feels...comfort her and encourage her!

Today....

...I sang in the car. That might seem normal to you...but for the past week I have been walking around numb and in a fog...not singing!

But today...I picked Jacks up early from school cause he has a horrible cough.

Went and got us a movie...stopped by Sonic for their happy hour...and then while driving back home...I began to sing. Honestly I was shocked!

I sing daily...to myself...to anyone who is around...over the phone to Amy Payne while she is in the counting room at church...I sing in a opera voice, a silly voice, I sing when I am just talking in a non singing type of conversation. Basically...I SING!!!!

I haven't been able to sing the last week...my soul has hurt so deeply.


And today the song that just randomly came out of my mouth was a song I remember singing while growing up at Macedonia Baptist Church in Longview.

"God will make a way, Where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way, He will make a way."

I know He is making a way.

We are still hurting and we still wish that we had baby Nate in our arms...I wish the nursery wasn't empty...and I wish we didn't have to take the infant car seat out of the car for now...I wish I could go into the nursery without feeling pain all over. BUT...I know HIS way is perfect...and there is NO other way that I want...BUT HIS!!!

Please Please Please....continue to lift up our family. Lift up Jackson...he was prepared to be a big brother and even though he doesn't seem too terribly upset...there have been a couple of comments he has made that make us know that this hurts him too.

Please pray for "J"...even though she isn't going to place her child with us...we still want the very best for her. She will be a woman that I will always pray for and...love. She chose life for this baby even though abortion was offered to her many times. And pray for that sweet baby, we had the privilege of seeing his face in a ultrasound picture...he was beautiful...pray that Jesus will capture his heart at an early age!

God will make a way...even when there seems to be no way!

The Post...I never wanted to write!

Well...I have been absent from our blog for the last 3 weeks. And I was for sure when I returned I would have pictures of our NEW BABY...but instead I return with a heavy heart or wait...a broken heart.

I wrote my last post on here on April 27th...the very next day we got a phone call from New Life letting us know that we had been chosen by a birthmom. She was due June 1st!

We traveled to Houston to meet her and it was one of the most amazing days of our lives. We instantly LOVED our birthmom...she gave us pictures of her family, we took pictures with her, had an amazing conversation with her...and she gave us her sonogram pictures of our new LOVE...Nathan Jae Gerdes. Our hearts were overflowing with joy and excitement.

The following week (last week) she was dilated to a 3 and still solid with her decision to place her child with us. It felt so good to know that Nate would be home with us soon. We got the nursery ready, ordered our baby sling, registered at Target, ordered his Life Book, made a special gift basket to take with us to the hospital once "J" delivered, installed the car seat, packed Nate's bag and got his outfits ready...my friends even began planning the shower. We were in full swing and prepared to bring this little bundle of love home.

Unfortunately last Wednesday, May 13th is the last time our agency has been able to contact our birthmom.

They tried calling all day Friday...called on Monday...and now we are preparing our hearts for the answer we didn't want...but more than likely our birthmom has changed her mind. Which means...Nathan wont be coming home soon!

We are torn, broken, frustrated, hurt...and mad! God had lined so many details up...there were so many things about this birthmom that felt right. The timing was perfect. Everything was working out perfectly.

I don't even know how to put into words how we feel...except we feel empty...almost like we lost someone through death. I don't know what a miscarriage feels like...but I can only imagine it feels a little bit like what I am feeling.

We know that God is in control...we don't understand all of the details...but we know HIM and are TRUSTING him during this time of hurt. We know there will be a day when we hold our love in our arms and it will be the RIGHT child for us. He/She will fit perfectly and it will be an ordained masterpiece! We are ready for that day...more NOW...then ever before. We are ready to bring home the child God has created for us.

We are going to be okay...but this is tough! The one thing I know for sure is this...God is STILL GOD...he LOVES us...his plan is perfect...his timing is perfect...and he loves our child more than we ever could. We are clinging to his promises right now more than ever before.

Our friends...YOU...have been amazing! You have called at the right time, you have helped us with Jackson, you have loved us during this JOYFUL time and HURTFUL time! Thanks for letting us be real and letting us hurt...and thanks for hurting with us. I wanted nothing more than to show off Nate to you and see your face the first time you laid eyes on him. I know you all have prayed countless hours over this child. KEEP PRAYING...there will be a day when we are sitting watching all of our kids play...and we will see the miracle right in the mix!!

God is my treasure, my heart rest only in him...he is my desire...his word IS TRUE...we are trusting with all we have that his promise for us will be revealed soon!

We are hopeful that another birthmom will pick us soon...will you pray for that to happen??
Will you PLEASE go to the Father on our behalf and ask him for a miracle? Ask him to come to our rescue during this time of hurt...ask him to rescue our child.