A failed adoption....

***I was cleaning out my "Drafts folder" here on my blog and I came across this post I had written but never posted! I remember these feelings of a failed adoption so vividly...and I wouldn't trade ANY of our story! Its all part of God's plan to bring Natalie to us! I know some of you who read this blog have experienced a failed adoption...your child is coming...and GOD will blow you away with his perfect timing! Praying for you!


August 18th, 2009

Oh goodness...the emotions rage when you know that the adoption you had been praying for starts falling apart before your eyes!!! On Tuesday, April 28th when we got our call I thought that was the REAL call...little did I know that only 2 weeks later we would receive the phone call from Sara letting us know that our birthmom must have changed her mind since they couldn't get a hold of her.

IT HURTS!!!!! ITS PAINFUL!!! No amount of encouragement helps in the middle of the chaos. You cry, you scream, you snap....its as if you have an outer body experience.

I lost control...I lost my joy...I lost the drive to keep going...I GAINED weight...I ate...and I cried!!! I'm just saying...I had REAL emotions...I didn't just sit at home and in a calm voice say "it will be okay." Nope, it effected me in ways I cant even explain.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is HOLY, that HIS time is perfect, that he wants me to desire HIM above anything else...but I'm not gonna fake it...this journey is HARD!!!! But God's Word says "WHEN you go through trials...." I'm not a Christ Follower who believes...just follow Jesus and everything will be perfect! NO WAY...being a Christ Follower is MESSY, people turn on you, people think you are CRAZY...people try to talk you out of your purpose!!! Following Jesus isn't for wimps...its for the desperate people who KNOW they need a Savior!!!

Through all of this over the last 4 months...and the last 18 months of waiting...my FOCUS has been on Jesus. We are adopting because we feel lead by the Holy Spirit to take care of orphans (James 1)! I want HIM and HIM alone to reap all the glory for this journey. I don't want a pat on the back, I don't want a celebration of Jason and Lindsey Gerdes, I don't want people to look at us and say...WOW...I want EVERYONE's focus to be on GOD, the Creator of Life, the Giver of Breath, the Author of Adoption.

So if anything...this adoption hasn't been a failure...its been fruitful...Ive learned more than I ever could think imaginable! Ive prayed prayers that scare me, Ive laid flat on my face for hours and begged the Lord for guidance, strength, perseverance, deliverance, and peace!