The Post...I never wanted to write!

Well...I have been absent from our blog for the last 3 weeks. And I was for sure when I returned I would have pictures of our NEW BABY...but instead I return with a heavy heart or wait...a broken heart.

I wrote my last post on here on April 27th...the very next day we got a phone call from New Life letting us know that we had been chosen by a birthmom. She was due June 1st!

We traveled to Houston to meet her and it was one of the most amazing days of our lives. We instantly LOVED our birthmom...she gave us pictures of her family, we took pictures with her, had an amazing conversation with her...and she gave us her sonogram pictures of our new LOVE...Nathan Jae Gerdes. Our hearts were overflowing with joy and excitement.

The following week (last week) she was dilated to a 3 and still solid with her decision to place her child with us. It felt so good to know that Nate would be home with us soon. We got the nursery ready, ordered our baby sling, registered at Target, ordered his Life Book, made a special gift basket to take with us to the hospital once "J" delivered, installed the car seat, packed Nate's bag and got his outfits ready...my friends even began planning the shower. We were in full swing and prepared to bring this little bundle of love home.

Unfortunately last Wednesday, May 13th is the last time our agency has been able to contact our birthmom.

They tried calling all day Friday...called on Monday...and now we are preparing our hearts for the answer we didn't want...but more than likely our birthmom has changed her mind. Which means...Nathan wont be coming home soon!

We are torn, broken, frustrated, hurt...and mad! God had lined so many details up...there were so many things about this birthmom that felt right. The timing was perfect. Everything was working out perfectly.

I don't even know how to put into words how we feel...except we feel empty...almost like we lost someone through death. I don't know what a miscarriage feels like...but I can only imagine it feels a little bit like what I am feeling.

We know that God is in control...we don't understand all of the details...but we know HIM and are TRUSTING him during this time of hurt. We know there will be a day when we hold our love in our arms and it will be the RIGHT child for us. He/She will fit perfectly and it will be an ordained masterpiece! We are ready for that day...more NOW...then ever before. We are ready to bring home the child God has created for us.

We are going to be okay...but this is tough! The one thing I know for sure is this...God is STILL GOD...he LOVES us...his plan is perfect...his timing is perfect...and he loves our child more than we ever could. We are clinging to his promises right now more than ever before.

Our friends...YOU...have been amazing! You have called at the right time, you have helped us with Jackson, you have loved us during this JOYFUL time and HURTFUL time! Thanks for letting us be real and letting us hurt...and thanks for hurting with us. I wanted nothing more than to show off Nate to you and see your face the first time you laid eyes on him. I know you all have prayed countless hours over this child. KEEP PRAYING...there will be a day when we are sitting watching all of our kids play...and we will see the miracle right in the mix!!

God is my treasure, my heart rest only in him...he is my desire...his word IS TRUE...we are trusting with all we have that his promise for us will be revealed soon!

We are hopeful that another birthmom will pick us soon...will you pray for that to happen??
Will you PLEASE go to the Father on our behalf and ask him for a miracle? Ask him to come to our rescue during this time of hurt...ask him to rescue our child.