"Mom can I have a toy at Target."
"No, Jackson, you may not."
"Uh Mom, please can I have a toy at Target."
"Jackson, you just had your birthday party...you got plenty of toys...you aren't going to get a toy at Target."
"Mom...I really want a toy at Target...(begins throwing massive fit)"
"Jackson, I am not going to tell you again...you WILL NOT get a toy at Target. If you ask me again your DS will be taken away. My answer is no."
This is a common occurrence in my life, especially on the days we go to Target.
Our student ministry staff, leaders and students are reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Amazing book...the first chapter is on Prayer...and grasping the fact that we get to go before the MOST HIGH GOD for a conversation which is called prayer!
Yesterday, our element staff sat down to write questions for our small groups on Sunday. Something hit me like a TON OF BRICKS...oh how my prayer life MUST change.
I want to talk specifically about adoption and how I pray when it comes to this issue. God must be SO annoyed with me...cause I am like my 5 year old...begging for a toy at Target.
First thing out of my mouth when I go to him in prayer is "Lord, can you please bring our baby home to us...Please...Please...Please." Oh my word...I am annoyed at myself just typing that. It makes my skin crawl when Jackson wont let up about the toy from Target. He acts like if he doesn't get it his life will be OVER!!!! And then the word please...that child can say that word faster and more times then I could ever imagine...I almost hate that word.
But holy cow, that's the way I am with God. As I write this my heart is so broken...I have been going to my FATHER for over a year now...just BEGGING for him to bring us a birthmom and a baby...all the while forgetting to go to him with complete and total adoration and praise. I have the privilege to be in the presence of my creator and yet all I do is ask him to create MORE things. WHY??? Why have I been a believer for so long and I am just now getting this concept. I think one of the reasons is I have NEVER wanted something so badly, adoption has brought me to a place in my walk with the Lord that I NEVER thought possible.
I cant even imagine what my response would be like to Jackson if he said...
"Mom could I have a toy today when we go to Target."
"No, Jackson you may not have a toy today."
"Okay Mom, I know you have a reason for not getting me a toy today. I trust that you know better than I do. I love you so much and I am so thankful that I get to call you Mommy. You have provided for me, cared for me, loved me...I am so thankful that I get to hang out with you and see your face. I don't need a toy today. The day you choose to bless me with a toy will be a great day but...you are more then enough for me!"
I would pass out if he said this to me! My first reaction is that I want to bless my child for understanding that my LOVE for him is MORE then enough...my LOVE for him is better then any material item I could give him.
Oh my gosh...praise the Lord...that is the way he feels about us. He is MORE than enough...yes when he chooses to give us blessings, we can be thankful, shout for joy, do our crazy I love Jesus dance...but HE is our blessing and HE is more than enough. God is calling me to realize that. He can't bless me when I come to him with my annoying...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE...throwing a fit type of prayer. I need to be in massive TIME out for my attitude towards praying to my Father...how disrespectful I have been.
***Lord, when I come before you, I pray I will be amazed by JUST YOU. Not what you can give me but WHO YOU ARE. I know you want to bless us but I know before any blessings I receive I must always realize that YOU ARE my blessing! I love you my precious Father...I am awe struck by your simplicity and your complexity. You are my Treasure and I want to be FACE TO FACE with you!
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2 comments:
OH SISTER! I can't tell you how heartbroken I was when I realized...this is embarrassing to admit...That I was more in love with the idea of having this baby than in LOVE WITH HIM. I was sick to my stomach, sad, dissappointed, all of it. I too had that same realization and it was hard to swallow.
Thanks for your honesty. Isn't it amazing how it feels to admit to our Father how far off we've been. He's known it the whole time, but when He hears us and sees us broken that we've missed it...I think He dances over us.
Love you and I am praying joy over you today.
Wow the honesty of this blog was a slap in the face and one that was definitely needed. Thanks for helping me view my prayers in a new and fresh way!!
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