BEAUTIFUL DISASTER

Every day is a BATTLE for me...I'm so flawed...I'm a SINNER...I'm not perfect...I mess up...I get frustrated with my hubby, my child, my friends, our ministry...situations bug me...the desire to BE IN CONTROL is a constant feeling...my emotions sometimes are so IRRATIONAL...my heart sometimes burst with FEAR...I don't always trust God...I don't always RUN straight to his word...I don't always pray and lay my burdens before him...sometimes I carry all my ISSUES on my own...

...I'm a beautiful DISASTER...

And if it wasn't for JESUS dying on the cross and FORGIVING my mess...then I would be stuck...and not be able to live a life full of JOY and PASSION...I'm reminded daily how imperfect I am...and I am reminded daily how DEEPLY in LOVE he is with me! I don't want to be the same...I want daily to look MORE and MORE like my CREATOR. I want to deal with people like he would and LOVE them through tough times. I want to be a PASSIONATE wife and mother. I desire for the MAKER OF HEAVEN to continue to tweak my soul so that I may reflect his BEAUTY.

I want to be DIFFERENT...set apart...I want to live in my FREEDOM...I want to saturate my life with his TRUTH...

I WILL PRAISE YOU LORD...because it is FITTING!!!!

19 months!!!

Cant even believe that we have been waiting 19 months on baby to come home. Seems crazy...hello babies need homes...and HELLO...we have a home :)

I'm honestly okay...my heart was filled to the brim today with our element students so I didn't even think about it being our 19 month of waiting day...until I got home and was sitting in quiet.

Transformation has taken place in my heart...adoption has become so precious to me...birthmom's have become precious to me! Birthmoms deserve so much love and support...I want to share something that happened to me the other day.

I was getting a much needed pedicure and I was talking with the nail tech about Jackson...she asked me if I had any other children. I said yes...but we we were just waiting to be matched with a birthmom. She looked at me and said..."oh y'all are adopting...don't you think most birthmoms are hookers?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME...seriously woman...you have no idea what you just said...and who you just said it to...I was so MAD!!! But I calmly said...no that's a myth...birthmoms are brave and courageous...they are giving LIFE!!! I wanted to cry...but I just sat there and begged the Lord to change people's views on birthmoms. I sat there broken hearted for our precious birthmom whom I will always defend...no matter the situation...she is giving us a child...a life...and I will wait another 19 months if I need to just to receive the blessing that I know the Lord has created for our family. God doesn't make mistakes!!

19 months seems ridiculous to have to wait for a child...but we are NOT waiting on just any child...we are waiting on the child that God formed and created for us...and his ways are perfect.

So happy...life changing 19 months to the Gerdes Family :)

My Girls

1st Wednesday Worship service was amazing tonight!!! God showed up and broke my heart! Bil was talking about how some of us are waiting and desiring "something"...he paused for a second and then he said "some of you desire a baby"...oooo goodness...this waiting momma LOST IT!!! Right there on the third row....broken heart...crying out for the Lord to come and bring us this desire. But the best part is what happened next...I looked down the row and my high school girls were sobbing too...hurting right along with me.

When you adopt you never know who is going to support you or think you are crazy. The Lord has blessed me with a group of High School girls whose hearts are so broken for our family and our child. Some of them have been on this journey with me for 4 years and others have just joined in the last few months...but none the less...they are WALKING and RUNNING this journey with me. Their encouragement means the WORLD to me...I feel blessed beyond measures to get to pour into their lives...and they get it...they pour back into mine.

Lexy, Linds, Mykayla, Priscilla, Presley, Jayma and Christy....thanks for hurting with me and praying that our child will come soon! I'm so thankful that you love our family and our baby. Thanks for the sweet words of encouragement (they always come and the perfect time). When the adoption failed in May...well...thanks for being devastated with me. Thanks for not forgetting that we are adopting...yall ask how things are going all the time :) Thanks for being excited...and Mykayla...thanks for being available to help me with HAIR :)...this white momma will need some help...so I am glad I have you to help me!!! Girls...I love you! More than I could EVER EVER express. I'm proud of each of you. You bless me...I cant wait to call each of you to let you know we have been chosen by a birthmom!!! Wont that be a great day...we will scream,jump up and down...and do spirit sprinkles. LOVE YOU EACH as if you were my own!!!!

***And Mel and Ames...Im so glad I get to wait on the Lord with you both!!! It makes waiting just a little sweeter!

How I feel!

This summer has been a summer of so many emotions. I have enjoyed every bit of time spent with family and friends. I have the most loving, encouraging support group that any one could ask for. My circle of friends...get me...they understand me...they let me be ME. These last 4 months have been HARD...I have changed as a person (some good, some bad)...and my "peeps" have helped me function along the way. Sometimes its just a text that says "Im praying for your birthmom right now," or an unexpected baby gift, or a hug (a squeeze that says...I dont understand but I know God does), or a friend who will let you cry, scream, and watch you throw a fit...or friends who will just sit with you in an empty nursery and dream about the day that it will be filled with a sweet bundle of love! This summer my friends have basically carried me...my family even though 8 hours away have loved me from a far and prayed some of the sweetest prayers.

J and I have had to focus on US and not on the hurt...we are growing together in ways that I am so thankful for. We have enjoyed every minute together...he is the BEST husband and my BEST FRIEND. We have prayed prayers this summer that scare us...but we know God has laid some big things on our hearts...adoption has become so precious to us...we feel like it will be a part of our legacy in some way.

Jackson has been lovable and a hand full...it changes about every 5 minutes. He started Kindergarten and he is growing into a tall handsome little boy. He is smart and tricky and kissing those cute cheeks once he is asleep is one of those bonuses of being his mommy!

I tell you all this to say...my life is wonderful. I have people who love me, I have a Savior who has saved me and reminds me of that salvation EVERY DAY, and I have a family that is priceless! But whew...adoption hurts. I have prayed that the Lord would either take this burden of adoption away or that he would let it burn even deeper in my heart. MY HEART IS BURNING. Jesus is enough for me...but HE is the one that put this in our hearts...so we will keep pursuing HIM as we pursue the calling that he has put on our family.

***Praying for news...and that he would deliver us a special blessing!

My Heros!

Have you ever met a family and walked away and thought..."WOW...I want to be just like them??"

Well I have known the Jackson Family for a little over 5 years and every time I talk with any of them...I just wish they would adopt me too.

They have taken in over 13 children over the years, officially adopted 2, working on adopting three others (who are living with them), have one biological child...and started doing this after only being married for one year...at the age of 22.

I LOVE THIS FAMILY...I love Billy and Clydene (the parents) and I love their kids!!! All the kids know that Mrs Lindsey wants to steal them...but they LOVE where they are...they LOVE their Family. They are crowed in to a 3 bedroom house and I hear NO complaining. They are content with where they are!!!

Last week we found out that Extreme Makeover Home Edition is coming to South Texas. We emailed everyone and their dog for a nomination letter (the deadline was Aug 7th)...now we are just praying that the Lord would show favor and that the Jackson's would get picked.

Although for the most part the Jackson's Home is FULL of joy, several weeks ago they experienced a HUGE loss when their 18month old drowned in a pool...complete devastation. They are still mourning the lost of Baby Howlis but even still Clydene told me the other day "Lindsey I am not stopping." They want to take in any child that needs a home...and I believe they will. But they need MORE space!!!!

Will you please pray for the Jackson Family...pray that the Lord would grant them their request with this new home. And if for some reason he doesn't...well the people in South Texas...we need to step up to the plate and we need to make something happen for this family. This is our chance as a community to really help the hurting and those who pour their lives into children who need a mommy and daddy!

I LOVE THIS FAMILY....my heart is overjoyed when I get to hang with them. They probably think I am crazy...this white girl that always wants to hug and take the kids!!! But my family genuinely LOVES every one of the Jackson's!!! They are FUN, loving, joyful and they LOVE Jesus!!! They are just easy to be around...they are a blessing to know.

Hebrews 11:1

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

Hello Blog...Nothing New

My BFF told me I needed to update my blog...my response was...there isn't anything new to update!!!!

Our summer has been FULL of being out of town...a really awesome vacation...and an unbelievable Student Camp (Core Week)!!!

Have I ever told you how much I LOVE our student ministry...and I LOVE OUR STUDENTS!!!! They are so full of energy and love for Jesus...they make me want to love Jesus more!!!

So now we are trying to get into a routine...Jacks started Kindergarten last week (he is going to a year round school)...and I am done organizing Core Week so now I have plenty of time to think about our babies (or baby)!!! And all I do is think, think, cry, think, pray, cry, and decorate the nursery.

We are going to paint in a couple of weeks...Amy and Mel (I haven't asked Mel yet so hopefully she will read this and agree to painting)...and then I need to finish the curtains and then we will be pretty much done!

I haven't told many people but we think we are going to change our girls name (if we get a girl)...I just cant seem to fall in love with the name Natalie...I don't think I am ready to share yet but I'm pretty sure there will be a change.

As of now there is NO new news...seriously...whats taking so long!

Please just keep doing some massive praying. God has promised us a child through adoption...I'm ready for him to deliver!!!