Hebrews 11:1

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

Hello Blog...Nothing New

My BFF told me I needed to update my blog...my response was...there isn't anything new to update!!!!

Our summer has been FULL of being out of town...a really awesome vacation...and an unbelievable Student Camp (Core Week)!!!

Have I ever told you how much I LOVE our student ministry...and I LOVE OUR STUDENTS!!!! They are so full of energy and love for Jesus...they make me want to love Jesus more!!!

So now we are trying to get into a routine...Jacks started Kindergarten last week (he is going to a year round school)...and I am done organizing Core Week so now I have plenty of time to think about our babies (or baby)!!! And all I do is think, think, cry, think, pray, cry, and decorate the nursery.

We are going to paint in a couple of weeks...Amy and Mel (I haven't asked Mel yet so hopefully she will read this and agree to painting)...and then I need to finish the curtains and then we will be pretty much done!

I haven't told many people but we think we are going to change our girls name (if we get a girl)...I just cant seem to fall in love with the name Natalie...I don't think I am ready to share yet but I'm pretty sure there will be a change.

As of now there is NO new news...seriously...whats taking so long!

Please just keep doing some massive praying. God has promised us a child through adoption...I'm ready for him to deliver!!!

To Our Love....

Dear Little One,

You are precious to us. Your daddy and I cant stop thinking, praying, and talking about you. I can't believe that 16 months ago today we went on the "official" waiting list...but the summer of 2005 is when your daddy and I started praying about adoption and how it would look like in our family.

You have been desired for such a long time...our hearts ache to see your face and kiss those sweet little hands.

One of my biggest prayers is that you would know we are your forever family and that we love you with a very powerful love. Also, I pray for your salvation...I want you to experience Jesus' love early on in your life.

I know that they day we see you will be worth the wait. The day you become a Gerdes will be a blessing...so sweet child...I hope you come soon. Our prayer is that your precious birthmom would go to New Life...(today)...we are ready to have you here with us.

We just want you to know...we love you dearly. So does your big brother...he cant wait for you to make your arrival.

Please, some day soon!

I love you baby,
Mommy

Seriously...

...SERIOUSLY...

Do we have to keep waiting? I mean for goodness sakes...what are you trying to teach me,

what are you trying to illuminate in my life...WHAT???

We have trusted you, we have cried out to you, we have obeyed you, we have served you,

we have sacrificed for you....

We have laid down at your feet and begged...we've stood tall and praised...

we have humbled ourselves...

We have called out to you in our distress and we have shouted from the roof tops about your GLORY...we have told people about you, we have shared your truth with others...

We have mourned, grieved, hurt, and been in pain...we have laughed, been overwhelmed, excited, danced the Praise Ya Jesus Dance...

We have learned, we have grown, we have leaned....

We have been grateful and we have been sad...we have been appreciative...

But seriously Lord....just show me...I want ALL OF YOU. NOTHING BUT YOU...

So I will continue to trust, learn, shout for joy, feel pain, laugh, beg, cry, praise, wait, sacrifice, lay at your feet, obey and serve...and if all it gets me is MORE OF YOU...then, well...

THIS JOURNEY WILL BE SERIOUSLY WORTH IT!!!!

Im Okay...

...I think.

Today I said about a million times to people....Yes, I am doing okay.

And I really have felt OKAY...since Saturday.

Sunday morning was hard...I had to pull myself out of bed but I made it to church. Kika sang an amazing song and I just cried my eyes out in element...but then I was OKAY.

Monday was fabulous...we went sailing...and I was with friends who love me...and I was OKAY.

Tuesday I went to work...needed to face my real life...and I was so surprise that when people asked me how I was...well I didnt cry...and I was OKAY!!!!

And then today, Wednesday...I was at work again...with people who love me...and I was OKAY.

But right now...Im sad! I want our child to be home soon. I got home from work and started catching up on some people's emails and blogs...so many of our friends are traveling to get their babies, getting referrals, or PREGNANT. Im SO EXCITED for them...I mean so pumped. But I want to be in their shoes (maybe not the pregnant friends...I love you...but I have been there and done that). I want that phone call...the REAL CALL...the one where it will lead to some babies in my arms...or baby :)

But still...as I write this and Jacks is banging away on his drums...You know what...Im okay.

Im still sad...but I am okay. I seriously believe that God has this all under control...thats not just something I am telling others about this process...I BELIEVE IT IN MY CORE. Im going to be okay...infact...I am going to be WONDERFUL.

Our nursery will have a baby in it soon...and our car seat will be used...and all the diapers will eventually be thrown away...GOD IS IN CONTROL...and yes...I will be okay!

Please keep praying...

Two Prayers!

Promise

I was standing at my kitchen sink tonight doing a weeks worth of dishes and I felt a peace that I have been begging for. I felt the Lord saying..."what I have planned for your family through adoption will be the most amazing thing you have ever experienced." I kind of paused for a second to soak up that promise. It felt so good to let that sink in to my heart and soul!!

***Lord, we are ready for you to show us our blessing. We are ready to see our blessing, to love our blessing...to care and raise our blessing. But until you reveal that blessing to us...we will seek you...we will be devoted to you! You knew that this hard headed girl needed to go through some valleys...you knew I needed to learn to trust you. I wouldn't trade every tear Ive cried because through the pain I have grown closer to my Creator. I love you precious Jesus.

Birthmom

Okay so one might think that we are mad that our birthmom changed her mind. I can honestly say...we are NOT mad. We are hurt by the loss of what we thought would happen. But in NO way are we mad at her. We don't feel mislead or rejected...yes we still hurt...but we were put in her path at the perfect time. We prayed over her and that sweet baby...countless hours of prayers. We were able to provide household items for her...we were able to show her the love of Christ! Do I wish we had that sweet baby in our arms...YES...but am I trusting that God knows what we need and can handle...YES! I am still grieving...but I seriously LOVE "J". Am I confused on why she changed her mind...YES...did I think it was a perfect adoption story...YES...is adoption messy...YES!!! I want her to be a successful woman and I want her to raise her children in a Godly home...we will be praying for her...she is a fighter...and a survivor! I know her story...lets just say...I wouldn't have made it through what she has! We are concerned for her, we wish she would have called New Life back...but we are not mad. How much closer to our baby is it going to get me if I harbor bitterness towards this woman? None!

***Lord you know all the details for "J"s life...protect her, love her, direct her. Give her strength and wisdom. Continue to provide for her. I pray she will keep her eyes only on you. Thank you for using her to teach me...and thank you for bringing her into our lives so we could minister to her. I wouldn't change it for the world! Even though the pain I feel is real...I know its nothing compared to the pain she feels...comfort her and encourage her!

Today....

...I sang in the car. That might seem normal to you...but for the past week I have been walking around numb and in a fog...not singing!

But today...I picked Jacks up early from school cause he has a horrible cough.

Went and got us a movie...stopped by Sonic for their happy hour...and then while driving back home...I began to sing. Honestly I was shocked!

I sing daily...to myself...to anyone who is around...over the phone to Amy Payne while she is in the counting room at church...I sing in a opera voice, a silly voice, I sing when I am just talking in a non singing type of conversation. Basically...I SING!!!!

I haven't been able to sing the last week...my soul has hurt so deeply.


And today the song that just randomly came out of my mouth was a song I remember singing while growing up at Macedonia Baptist Church in Longview.

"God will make a way, Where there seems to be no way. He works in ways we cannot see, He will make a way for me. He will be my guide, Hold me closely to His side. With love and strength for each new day, He will make a way, He will make a way."

I know He is making a way.

We are still hurting and we still wish that we had baby Nate in our arms...I wish the nursery wasn't empty...and I wish we didn't have to take the infant car seat out of the car for now...I wish I could go into the nursery without feeling pain all over. BUT...I know HIS way is perfect...and there is NO other way that I want...BUT HIS!!!

Please Please Please....continue to lift up our family. Lift up Jackson...he was prepared to be a big brother and even though he doesn't seem too terribly upset...there have been a couple of comments he has made that make us know that this hurts him too.

Please pray for "J"...even though she isn't going to place her child with us...we still want the very best for her. She will be a woman that I will always pray for and...love. She chose life for this baby even though abortion was offered to her many times. And pray for that sweet baby, we had the privilege of seeing his face in a ultrasound picture...he was beautiful...pray that Jesus will capture his heart at an early age!

God will make a way...even when there seems to be no way!